self-harm : my small-ish journey through it all

The last couple of weeks, I have cried, sobbed, slept wayy too much, slept wayy too less, wanted to die, wanted to cry, and yes. Cut.

It actually started with um a Physics period I guess?

I don’t even remember what I was feeling to be honest, I just wanted to disappear. I picked up a pen pencil and subconsciously started scratching my wrist too hard. It pierced my skin, soon there was a wound and it was almost bleeding.

My best friends scolded me, told me not to do it again, asked me if it hurts. They even said that if I do it again they will too. I legit broke down, I mean, I am such a worthless piece of shit, people care so much about me, I don’t deserve it. And so I did it more. And more. Soon my wrist was covered in scratches. (Its not as gross as it sounds, but it hurt and burned a hell of a lot.) Mom asked me what the bandaid on my wrist was for, I replied that I hit a wall and bruised my wrist bad.

Last week (i guess?) I stayed up till 4:30am. I was talking to my friends on Google+ (i’m vvvv active on there) and I just felt selfish because these wonderful homo sapiens were talking to a trashbag like me, and I couldn’t figure out why the heck they would do that. So I did it again. And this time, it was worse, it came close to bleeding a lot, and it burned for 2 whole days.

I ranted about it on G+, where I knew my friends would always listen to me.

But then,

My cousin, who lives very near to us, saw it on G+. She got so worried, she decided to talk to me. And yeah, I was shaking real bad when I asked her if we both can go out for a walk and talk privately.

I have never ever been open with any of my family members. I know they love me, and I love them too, so so much, but I always felt like I never fit in with them, I guess? They’ve always been the “traditional food, classic music, cultural way of living” kind of people and since primary school I have always loved continental food, english pop (now kpop) and overall a western way of living.

It was definitely weird sharing everything with her, from depression and cutting, to crushes and relationships. But we bonded a hell of a lot over it, partly because of the fact that she had suffered a lot when she was of my age. She had family problems, boy problems, and everything I have, magnified. So yeah now I know I can trust her, and she knows I’m not as immature and stupid as everyone thinks I am.

A couple of days ago, I was showing mom some Seventeen MVs and she noticed the scars on my wrist and started questioning me. In times like this, my body goes from *steady* to *trembling shaking heart pounding* very quickly. And she pulled me into my bedroom and sat me down on the bed and we had a HUGE crying session,and she told me I can talk to her whenever I want and I can’t hurt myself because a LOT of people love me.

So yeah.

I still have a hard time coping with things to be honest. I cried after coming home from school today, all my teachers keep picking on me and I can’t keep my calm and want to burst in tears in class urgh. I missed tuitions, my stomach was aching, my head was pounding hard. So I just slept for 3 hours in the noon and here I am now. Its almost 10 in the night, I should probably sleep but its okay cuz I have had enough of just sleeping for today.

My point is, even if you feel like you want to quit and you are worthless and unlovable, you aren’t. People love you a whole lot, you will realise it later.

You know, if you are a person like me, you can’t cry easily, but you definitely want to. So to let it all out, you need to do something that makes you feel better. In my case, I chose the worst option, self-harm. But there are so many others! Dancing, screaming, writing, blogging (:”)), even just drawing or sketching or word art or doodling helps. Just don’t harm yourself, because you will regret it later.

To be very honest, I don’t know if I am over everything that happened in the last couple of weeks. I might collapse again soon, but I won’t cut again.

I know that for sure.


Thats all for today, God forbid any of you relate to this, but if you do, please don’t hesitate to talk to me! Hit me up in the comments, or on any other social media acc, but let me know tho, I’m not sure I’ll be active there!

Bye 🙂

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stressed, depressed, k-pop obsessed.

The three words that basically describe how my life changed in the last three months.

Hello everyone! Wassup? I’ve been planning to post here for so long, but yeah. I didn’t.

Its very safe to say that my mind has been too confusing the last couple of months. My grades went down in the Finals, I got depressed, it led me to think I am useless. Which I most definitely am, there’s no doubt about that. That was the point from where I started thinking that I definitely do not deserve my family. They do so much for me, yet here I am, procrastinating my Maths homework. Bad girl.

I got more and more into BTS, and now even imagining them smiling motivates me to get up out of my bed every single day. There isn’t a day I don’t thank the universe for making me exist the same time as these beautiful people. They mean so much to me, I don’t think I have ever loved anyone as much as I do them. Or I ever will, for that matter. I could go ranting and get myself emotional again, but I’ll just leave that here.

So. The vacations. We literally didn’t go anywhere. I had tons of homework, which I piled up until the last week, and everything just fell apart for me. Nothing made sense. When I sat down to do work with my books in front of me, my mind would go fuzzy and I would want to die. Basically, nothing was going good. The only thing keeping me from doing anything irreparable was my music, which my parents were absolutely furious at. I don’t get it. Why would anyone get upset over something that never fails to make me smile? Why would anybody want to take that away from me? I don’t know, and I am just tired.

School started, and this year is gonna be really tough. I just know. Its our last year in this school, and the teachers are ensuring that we won’t ever forget it by torturing us.

I have been getting lesser and lesser sleep, and its really getting on my nerves, quite literally, because I’ve been having headaches the whole week. Its horrible, I basically dozed off in Physics the other day, and the teacher asked me some formulae, and I couldn’t answer because all I could think of was how heavy my head was feeling, how everyone’s eyes were on me, how I was trembling, and how tears had gathered up in my eyes. I was successful in blinking them away though, but my mouth kept curling upside down and I knew the whole class was waiting to see if I would burst into tears. It was horrible.

I’m aware this is getting boring, but that’s my horrid life. I’m just gonna try to get through it, and I hope nobody will know about these feelings, or they will hate me more for being a ‘drama queen’.

So yeah. I hope to be posting my letters to BTS in a couple of days in honor of their fourth anniversary. I don’t have anything planned yet, but maybe I’ll post a little something else too! I’m going to start reading The Girl On The Train by Paula Hawkins now, the synopsis looks really thrilling, I’m exciteddd!!!

Till then, annyeong!


P.S. Y’all can talk to me whenever you want, okay? Just hit me up @ theshelfofmusings@gmail.com I will try to reply asap.

Helloo

Hello everyone!

This is officially my first post with a new theme that I absolutely love me is very happy 😀

I haven’t been blogging for ages wow

Can y’all introduce yourself in the comments and maybe we could chat?

Thank youu 🙂