The last couple of weeks, I have cried, sobbed, slept wayy too much, slept wayy too less, wanted to die, wanted to cry, and yes. Cut.
It actually started with um a Physics period I guess?
I don’t even remember what I was feeling to be honest, I just wanted to disappear. I picked up a pen pencil and subconsciously started scratching my wrist too hard. It pierced my skin, soon there was a wound and it was almost bleeding.
My best friends scolded me, told me not to do it again, asked me if it hurts. They even said that if I do it again they will too. I legit broke down, I mean, I am such a worthless piece of shit, people care so much about me, I don’t deserve it. And so I did it more. And more. Soon my wrist was covered in scratches. (Its not as gross as it sounds, but it hurt and burned a hell of a lot.) Mom asked me what the bandaid on my wrist was for, I replied that I hit a wall and bruised my wrist bad.
Last week (i guess?) I stayed up till 4:30am. I was talking to my friends on Google+ (i’m vvvv active on there) and I just felt selfish because these wonderful homo sapiens were talking to a trashbag like me, and I couldn’t figure out why the heck they would do that. So I did it again. And this time, it was worse, it came close to bleeding a lot, and it burned for 2 whole days.
I ranted about it on G+, where I knew my friends would always listen to me.
My cousin, who lives very near to us, saw it on G+. She got so worried, she decided to talk to me. And yeah, I was shaking real bad when I asked her if we both can go out for a walk and talk privately.
I have never ever been open with any of my family members. I know they love me, and I love them too, so so much, but I always felt like I never fit in with them, I guess? They’ve always been the “traditional food, classic music, cultural way of living” kind of people and since primary school I have always loved continental food, english pop (now kpop) and overall a western way of living.
It was definitely weird sharing everything with her, from depression and cutting, to crushes and relationships. But we bonded a hell of a lot over it, partly because of the fact that she had suffered a lot when she was of my age. She had family problems, boy problems, and everything I have, magnified. So yeah now I know I can trust her, and she knows I’m not as immature and stupid as everyone thinks I am.
A couple of days ago, I was showing mom some Seventeen MVs and she noticed the scars on my wrist and started questioning me. In times like this, my body goes from *steady* to *trembling shaking heart pounding* very quickly. And she pulled me into my bedroom and sat me down on the bed and we had a HUGE crying session,and she told me I can talk to her whenever I want and I can’t hurt myself because a LOT of people love me.
I still have a hard time coping with things to be honest. I cried after coming home from school today, all my teachers keep picking on me and I can’t keep my calm and want to burst in tears in class urgh. I missed tuitions, my stomach was aching, my head was pounding hard. So I just slept for 3 hours in the noon and here I am now. Its almost 10 in the night, I should probably sleep but its okay cuz I have had enough of just sleeping for today.
My point is, even if you feel like you want to quit and you are worthless and unlovable, you aren’t. People love you a whole lot, you will realise it later.
You know, if you are a person like me, you can’t cry easily, but you definitely want to. So to let it all out, you need to do something that makes you feel better. In my case, I chose the worst option, self-harm. But there are so many others! Dancing, screaming, writing, blogging (:”)), even just drawing or sketching or word art or doodling helps. Just don’t harm yourself, because you will regret it later.
To be very honest, I don’t know if I am over everything that happened in the last couple of weeks. I might collapse again soon, but I won’t cut again.
I know that for sure.
Thats all for today, God forbid any of you relate to this, but if you do, please don’t hesitate to talk to me! Hit me up in the comments, or on any other social media acc, but let me know tho, I’m not sure I’ll be active there!